


Time Travel, Art School and Learning How To Be a Priest

by orphan_account



Category: Dictatorships - Fandom
Genre: CONTINUED BC I LOVE U ALL, M/M, Multi, Time Travel, god what the fuck am i doing, putin goes back in time and seduces stalin and hitler, think yes, this is a good idea, what made me sit down
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:16:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2589734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vladimir Putin was bored with controlling Russia. So instead of building nuclear bombs, he made his country build a time travel machine. He intended to go back and see Stalin in action, as he admired him. But the time travel machine missed the mark by a few years, and Putin stumbled upon the secret relationship between Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler when they were young men.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cumrades

**Author's Note:**

> GOD WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING I HATE MYSELF

_Adolf Hitler looked into Joseph Stalin's loving eyes and whispered, "Whatever happens, we'll always be together, right?"_

_"Of course, my love"_

 

 

_______________

 

Vladimir Putin was sitting at his desk, gently caressing his muscled abdomen and thinking about some feminist protesters. However, it wasn't making his nipples hard like usual. Sighing, he looked at his desk and his eyes wandered to a picture of Joseph Stalin. Licking his lips, Putin pictured that glorious moustache caressing his gentle nose and his strong hands, hardened by years of writing down names to send people to the Gulag, caressing his body. He shivered with arousal. It was then he realised that was the most he'd been aroused in years.

"I need... I need Joseph" He gasped as he came without any penis touching. 

It was then he called for his workers. They showed up immediately and he ordered them to abandon the nuclear weapons they were building and make a time travel machine. They started to protest but Putin cut them off with a wave of dismissal. 

 

Two days later they came back with a time travel machine.

"Yes, this is what I need."

Putin stepped inside and set the clock. However, since he himself had modified Russia's education, he forgot to set the clock to when Stalin was a mature, ruthless dictator. 

 


	2. Vladimir Put-in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jesus christ what the fuck is this am i going to actually do this

Putin stepped out of the time machine and looked around. It sure looked like Moscow, and not the Moscow he knew. He smiled, knowing he had succeeded. 

Pulling out his conveniently located map of _Stalin's whereabouts at any point in history_ he licked his lips and attempted to locate "Stalin, 1940". Finding the address relatively quickly, he proceeded to make his way to his office. Upon arriving at his office, he discovered it didn't contain the one and only Stalin. It contained Tzar Nic. 

"What the fuck." 

Tzar Nic was surprisingly good natured, and kindly informed Putin that it was not 1940, but in fact 1899. "Fuck." Putin sighed, but then smiled as he sensed opportunity. He looked at his map again and made his way to a small apartment in the outskirts of Moscow. 

Knocking on the door, he let himself in when he only heard grunts in reply. Putin's eyes opened in surprise and disbelief as the young, naked body of Joseph Stalin lay before him. But what really made Putin jump out of his skin was the sight of a young Adolf Hitler, also naked, underneath Stalin. They were quite obviously boning. 

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Stalin bellowed. 

"Please Joseph, I am from the future and I am deeply in love with you. I am the President of Russia."

"Joseph? President? So my plan to overthrow the Tzar worked?"

"Yes, and if you will give me some time to explain I can tell you everything about the future."

"Wow okay"

"Only if you fuck me."

And fuck him he did.


	3. Joseph Stalin's Monster Cock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (im so sorry for lack of updates i honestly thought no one would read this its literally dictator porn what the fuck)
> 
> **EDIT: gonna continue this bc i have nothing 2 do except assignments but haha anyway putin can come and kill me i embrace death 4 writing dictator porn**

Joseph Stalin was obviously quite desperate to find out who this mysterious stranger was, how he found him and how he claimed to be the president of Russia, so he accepted his offer and beckoned him into the small room.

"Joseph... your  _manhood_... it is magnificent." Putin stared in admiration and lust, forgetting about his own small but rapidly growing penis.

"I agree, it is as big as my hatred for the Jews"

It was then that Putin finally looked over to the young Adolf Hitler. 

"I didn't know you spoke Russian, Adolf" 

"We're all conveniently speaking English, for no particular reason. I am fluent in 5 languages- German, English, Russian, Love and Hebrew."

"Hebrew? But I thought you hated Jews"

"I do."

Putin was about to respond when Stalin cut him off with a heated kiss.

"J-Joseph?"

"I am sorry Vladimir, but you are so attractive when you'e questioning Adolf here."

"I do not want to miss out on the fun" A thick German accent piped up from the back.

Joseph turned around and saw tears filling the large eyes of the German (and half Jew but I mean he doesn't like to mention it) and Joseph held his arms open. Adolf rushed into them and the two embraced like the lovers they were. 

"I just get so jealous, Joseph. When I think of you with anyone else it fills me with such sorrow and gloom that I cannot go on!" 

"I understand, Adolf. But the little boy must learn to share, he can't only play with his toys, he must let his friends play too" He said, gesturing to a fully erect Putin next to him. 

"Yes, daddy."

Adolf sucked and licked Joseph's nipple, eliciting a moan from the man. His head lolled back and Putin took that as an opportunity to ravage his other nipple with his mouth. Hitler and Putin locked eyes and slowly, Hitler reached out and grabbed Putin's leaking manhood. He pumped a few times, causing Putin to moan on Joseph's nipple. As Hitler got more into it, Putin returned the favour by stroking Hitler's length. He was sizeable, however it was the trimmed hair around the base of his cock was what caused Putin's eyes to roll back into his head. It was trimmed similarly to his moustache, and it caused Putin to come immediately. Stalin immediately bent down and licked it off Hitler's stomach, causing Hitler to come into Stalin's face. Putin then cleaned up Hitler's come. Right on cue, Stalin came into Putin's eyes, causing a blindness that Putin could get used too, if it meant being with the only two men he had ever thought about sexually.  


	4. Hitler's Daddy Kink?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically i havent been on here in a while and i saw people were actually COMMENTING???? and stuff so im sorry 4 leaving u hanging also i cant write long stuff i mean i have a 1200 SOR essay i need to do but im doing this for u so i mean ur welcome   
> nah but just ive never writtent his kind of stuff before so dont except much
> 
> but u are reading dictator porn so i mean
> 
> we're all going to hell

When the three men were all settled on the comfortable bed, Putin looked at his time travel watch and his heart sank. 

"It seems, comrades, that I must be going. I am needed back in my time." 

Hitler and Stalin looked shocked, but understood. 

"I will miss you, and think about you every day."

"I think I speak for Adolf when I say we will never forget about you, Vladimir Putin."

Hitler went and kissed Putin on the cheek, while Stalin went for the lips.

"Goodbye my friends, my lovers."

Putin disappeared.  

 

 

\------------------------------------

 

A month later, Putin was sitting at his desk writing new laws when one of his workers came up to him. 

"Sir, you have mentioned previously that you are interested in artworks of Adolf Hitler, yes?"

"What about my interest?"

"Well, a new piece has been discovered and verified right here, in Russia!"

"What?"

"It has a rather remarkable resemblance to you, sir."

"That... that cannot be?"

"See for yourself."

The worker held up the artwork. It displayed a shirtless Putin asleep, basking in the morning sun. A figure lay next to him (Putin, of course, knew that was Joseph but to the unknowing eye it could have been anyone), and the setting was a dingy apartment. Much like the one Putin had stayed in when he travelled back in time...

 

"Sir, I have to ask, does this have anything to do with that machine you made us build?"

"This conversation is over."

Putin turned around in his chair, studying the painting. He ran his finger along the glass encasing the picture, tears welling in his eyes. If only he could visit the men again, only if for one more night, to be held by Stalin's strong arms and have Hitler curled up at his stomach.  


	5. Putin's Favourite Novel is Lolita

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jesus im sorry im not used to people paying attention to the shit i write and ive been so tired lately but im gonna try and write more for you all >:) dictator porn for everyone

" _Hey Lolita Hey, Hey Lolita hey, I know what the boys want"_  


Putin sang along to Lana Del Rey's words while re-reading his favourite novel, Nabokov's 'Lolita'. 

"It has always been a dream of mine to have a Humbert Humbert..." He mused aloud while licking his lips in anticipation. However, ever since that night spent with Joseph and Adolf, his sexual desires could not be met with mere controversial but beautifully written novels. He placed Lolita down on his desk and stood up, stretching and walking around the office a few times, trying to rid his mind of the nights he spent with his two lovers, trying to think of anything else. After a few minutes he sat down, exasperated, and let a lone manly tear fall from his eye and wept for his lovers. 

"They are dead, I am alive and that is the existence I am forced to live. God is truly a filthy fucking cocksucker." 

Loosening his tie, Putin rested his head on the back of his chair and sighed. His work and duties had suffered greatly upon his return, he knew that he must pick up his act if he wants to remain popular among the people. But he could not bring himself to care, he just lay back and wept for his lost lovers, while Lana Del Rey's voice crooned songs about fucking a man 50 years older than herself. 

A tentative knock was heard, but Putin could not bring himself to answer it. He closed his eyes again and hoped the lack of response would be enough.

"Sir..." The door opened and once of his deputies stepped in, a small man whom Putin had never bothered to know the name of. Putin glared at him, hoping that the stare he was giving would be enough to distract his red rimmed eyes and tear stained cheeks. It, however, was not.

"Sir you've been... distant. Ever since-"

"Enough. I do not wish to speak to anyone."

"But... sir..."

Putin pulled out a revolver and shot the man. He got up to inspect the damage. He was dead, and only about twenty. How a man of his age could climb the ranks until he was one of the president's deputies, Putin would never know. Until he noticed a small, folded up piece of paper in his pocket. He opened it and written in the small caps was his name. 

_Vladimir,_

_I hope this message gets to you, I have instructed a family to keep this in their line without opening it until the year 2015, and then their child would climb up the ranks and deliver this to you. Or something like that._

_I know that if you are reading this, we are dead and you are mourning your loss. But do not fear, for the one night we had together was enough to solidify the bond between the three of us, the three dictators bend on giving absolute hell to our people and trying to take over other countries. Death and the laws of time can try and break us apart, but our genocidal tendencies tie us together, for all of time._

_Do not fear, we lived long and happy lives._

_Adolf became ruler of Germany and started World War Two. I then had to stop him. It was a bit of a betrayal on my part, but in my defence he did invade me._

_We did end up drifting apart, after he became chancellor and didn't have the time to write. I am ashamed to say I let him go, in a way, our lives took up too much time and we were both caught up in ourselves and committing genocide to keep our romance alive._

_The last time we saw each other in the flesh was two nights after you left. You were the piece we didn't know me were missing, and without you our entire relationship seemed empty and full of doubt. Take pride in that, Vladimir, you are so fundamental to our love that it simply faded after you left._

_Don't cry for us. You still have work to do. We believe in you._

_-Joseph_


	6. People at my school found this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Might as well give them a show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> throw me in meme jail putin do it i dare you you motherfucker

" _Don't cry for us. You still have work to do. We believe in you._ "

Putin read over that line many times in his long and bountiful control of Russia, but never fully understood what it was Joseph meant. He had always kept the letter close to his heart, wearing it in his suit pocket and getting the last line tattooed on his lower back. However he still was at a loss about Joseph's greater plans. How could Joseph know what he needed to do? He had banned transgendered people from driving, ended up throwing many internet 'memers' in jail for making fun of him on the internet, but still did not know what Joseph could want of him. 

"What was it that dear Joseph meant? I don't know what else he could have wanted me to do? Does he want the majority of Russia to die from starvation? Does he want full on communism? What does he want, I am begging the gods above to tell me!"

Just as Putin said that, a small man entered the room.

"Your holiness, I believe I could be of service."

He was physically frail, with large green eyes and red hair. Putin wondered how he had gotten into his office or Russia itself, as he had banned red hair five years ago.

"Who are you... what are you doing?"

"My name is not important, but I know what it was that Joseph meant for you."

Putin was stunned, but intrigued. Something in his heart told him that he should trust the man. Perhaps Joseph had sent him? Or God himself?

"Okay. I will do what you ask."

The man walked up to Putin's desk and opened the top drawer. Inside was a pink vibrator, handcuffs and lube. 

"Sir?" The man asked, a smirk gracing his pale face.

Putin blushed and giggled, putting his hand up to his face in a very kawaii like manner. 

The man closed the drawer and looked Putin in the eyes. 

"I know what it is that Joseph wanted you to do, but you need to trust that I will only tell you the basics, and trust that my ulterior motive is for your success."

Putin considered this for a few moments, but decided that he should trust the man, after all, it was boring being in control of everything- part of his love for BDSM was giving up control and being under the complete power of his master. 

"I will do it. I trust you."

The man smiled and gently kissed Putin on the cheek. 

"You won't regret this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry mum


	7. I'm in English class and we're talking about poetry but I'm writing dictator porn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is this mysterious man and what has Joseph been planning this whole time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant write long things also im going to hell

The red haired man left Putin's office and went into his own. In his office there were pictures of Stalin and Putin, decorating the walls in a shrine-like arrangement.  He picked up his pen and scribbled in loopy cursive Russian.  _Putin is in the right position. It is going well._

He then folded up the piece of paper and locked it in the front drawer of his desk. Closing his eyes, he sighed and left the room. 

 


	8. Oink oink, Cameron's in the house!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're such a pigfucker, David Cameron"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man im so sorry for leaving u guys like that i forgot about this but my ass is in gear sort of

Putin looked at his schedule, sighing when he had yet  _another_ UN conference, where he would undoubtedly be criticised for his 'inhumane treatments', 'collapsed economy' or 'shooting down a plane with a nun and AIDS workers on it'. However, his face did light up when he saw an old friend's name on the list.

 

_Representing Great Britain- David Cameron_

 

David Cameron. Putin smiled as he recalled the behaviours the young men once achieved. Foggy memories of paddocks, pigs and hot loving followed by a hearty breakfast of bacon warmed his heart and his manhood.  _Perhaps,_ Vladimir thought, _this UN conference wouldn't be so bad after all._ _  
_

Putin smiled when he heard the 'ding' from his computer, meaning that David had replied to his email. To his joy, they would be spending a night together before the UN conference. Two men, one paddock, and a shitload of pigs.

 

"Vladimir. Look at you."

David Cameron put his briefcase on the damp grass, the sunlight rapidly fading- orange and pink hues cast a hazy summer glow across Vladimir's face. In his head, the score for Sofia Coppola's 1999 movie, 'The Virgin Suicides' was playing. 

"David, you have certainly done well for yourself."

David laughed, a quick short laugh, much like his penis. 

"Me? I'm a mere prime minister. You however, you are magnificent."

Vladimir blushed, and the a pig snorted in the distance. Both men looked at each other with a gleam in their eyes, as they followed the noise.

To their glee, a fucking lot of pigs appeared as the men climbed over a hill. 

They both grabbed the pig nearest to them, and-

 

 


	9. Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Putin, having lost so much, ends it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never expected this to get any responses, and so I never had a storyline or plot apart from the gimmick of the threeway. I was kinda just keyboard smashing tbh, but it's been a lot of fun to do so.   
> Sorry for not updating/ updating after ages with this, and I hope you enjoyed the story.

Vladimir Putin sat at his desk, the same one he had sat at for sixteen years, running his fingers over the familiar wood. So many memories- cum stains, grooves in the wood, he knew them all. It was such a shame he had to do this. 

"I have loved, and I have lost. I am thankful for every experience I have had in my life, and my only regret is that I did not fully appreciate what I had while I was in the moment." 

Putin said out loud these words as he was writing them, for dramatic effect. A single tear dripped down, landing perfectly on the letter, smudging the ink ever so slightly. Jeremy Irons' voice was narrating the words in his head, and every thought that ran through his mind about love and loss. Unlike Jeremy Irons' iconic character Humbert Humbert, however, Putin was not in love with a twelve year old. 

Memories of Joseph and Adolf ran through his mind, and he smiled. 

He then pulled out a gun, and shot himself in the head. 

 


End file.
